Have you ever heard of the concept of “unbecoming” everything you’ve been taught to be? The idea is that you reflect on all the things you were taught growing up, all the rules to follow, the life you “should” be leading, and then compare that with what you actually want and the person you actually want to be. Do they match up? Are you living the life you want to? With all those life lessons you picked up from friends, family and teachers over the years, are you happy with who you are and what you’re doing with your life? For a lot of us, the answer is no.
Enter “unbecoming”. Unbecoming who you were taught to be. Unlearning all the lessons other people told you were true. Undoing the mistakes you’ve made, by choosing to make the right choices for yourself, for a change. It’s a scary thing to do, filled with big choices and major changes. But in following your heart, you aim to change your life for the better.
But what happens when unbecoming the person you thought you were meant to be, turns you into someone else? Another version of yourself that still isn’t the real you!
Sometimes in our journey to find ourselves, we end up finding someone else. We can get distracted by other people with similar dreams to ours. After realising that we need to change our lives, we look to Instagram, Facebook and YouTube for inspiration on what to do next. We join community groups and follow forums, looking for guidance and support as we try to work out who we are, responding to the passions and goals of others that resonate somewhat with our own. We take the learned habit of doing what others do from before and apply it in a new way (aiming to do what others do) just with a different result.
For those who don’t know, I began taking writing seriously in February 2018. After years of thinking that I couldn’t write professionally (that it was an unstable career and I needed to get a “real” job), I realised that I wasn’t happy burying that part of me. The part that wanted so desperately to create. So, I made writing a priority, and turned to others to help me pursue that option. I’ve watched countless YouTube videos about writing, reached out to the writing community and am even going on a writer’s retreat in September. And all of this is great, and so beneficial.
Except if you ask me what my goals are.
I’ve spent the last five months saying “I don’t know” what I want to do, what my goals are, or how quickly I want to achieve them. But in all honesty, it’s all a BIG. FAT. LIE. In all my soul searching and learning about writing, I’ve been trying to work out what my “big picture” plan is. But I don’t have one. I am a chaotic person who is always working on more than one thing at a time, multitasking constantly, and always looking for/working towards more. But my writing goals (if I’m being honest with myself) are very simple.
I’ve always wanted to have kids and write. I want to be a stay at home mum and write books. It’s that simple. That’s where my passion lies. I don’t go to bed thinking about the book tour I’ll do one day. I don’t wake up thinking “I’m going to start a YouTube channel.” Sure, I thought about creating a blog years ago, but it wasn’t until recently that I thought that I could. That plan developed as my author journey did.
And that’s the thing: It’s not that I don’t want to expand and grow as an author or an entrepreneur, but that I want to do so organically- not by pushing myself to follow other people’s dreams because it worked for them. But even so, in the last month or so, I’ve put all this pressure on myself to work out what my “goals” could be, that I lost sight of what my goals already are. I was trying so hard to keep up with the word count deadlines and online aspirations of others, that I’ve stressed myself out and lost the passion for what I love.
It’s so important to keep checking in with yourself as you grow and learn, to make sure you’re doing what’s right for you. You want to be sure that each step you take (whether it is a comfortable or scary one) is one that is honest to your true nature, right down to your core. Every time you try something new, ask yourself, “is this right for me, or am I doing it because someone else is?” Take tips and inspiration from others, but ultimately, do your thing, in your time, your way.
If you are interested in hearing another person’s view on “unbecoming”, have a listen to episode 21 of Kristen Martin’s podcast. This episode went up a while ago, but ever since I heard it, the way I think about my dreams and what other people say about what I want in life has changed. Now, if someone judges my choice, I try to stop and think about how that opinion affects me. Does it matter? Will it change what I want? No. This podcast episode really reminded me that it’s ok to be me. No one else feels and thinks the way I do. So why would I want to waste what I have to offer by being someone else? I don’t. I want to be me.
Who do you want to be?
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