Have you ever tried to explain the balance between writing and being a new mum to someone before? Like, really, how? Are they not both two of the most insane, complicated, messy, mind-blowing things you can think of? How do you simplify the world of writing as a new mum, into concise, digestible sentences?
When I think about my little boy I think, cheeky, smart, brave, strong, determined. I think about that laugh and that firm frown. I think about how much he has learned in just 6mths and that proud look on his face when he figures out something new. I think about how much I love him, and how I secretly want to creep into his room before I go to bed, just to watch him sleep. I don’t for one second think that I could condense all my thoughts and feelings about him into one conversation.
What about my writing? Well… Where do I start? Every time someone asks about my writing lately, I don’t know where to begin. Before I tell you what stage I am up to, I need to know if you are asking about my poetry- my poetry is now ready for formatting, but I’m also working on the beginning of a poetry collaboration- or perhaps my adult contemporary- still in the outlining stage- or maybe my YA contemporary- in need of serious revisions- or hey, maybe you were asking about my historical love story- yeeeeeahhh… that’s on the back burner… I need to do some research for that one. But how am I meant to sum up what I’m “up to” with my writing when I’m all over the place?
So, then the question becomes, why are we all looking for the “answer” to “writing as a parent”? Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to know the “answer” too. I was that mum asking for tips before bub was born, so I was ready to find the balance straight away. I got frustrated when people said to, “Take your time, they’re only young for a little while, enjoy it.” I can enjoy it and still want to write, right? What about, “Take every spare five minutes to squeeze in some writing.” Ok, but I’m the person who reads the last page of the previous chapter before going on when reading a book- that takes five minutes in and of itself.
The question was clear: “What’s the best way to fit writing in as a parent?” So, why wasn’t the answer just as simple?
Because parenting isn’t simple.
Because writing isn’t simple.
Because combining parenting and writing isn’t simple.
And we all need to stop expecting it to be!
While there may not be a simple answer, here are a few tips I’ve picked up along the way:
1. First and foremost, EXPERIMENT. Stop expecting to google or ask a friend, get an answer and then Bob’s your uncle, you’ve found a cure! It doesn’t work like that. What works for someone else may not work for you. Sure, it might be the advice you’ve been longing for. But if it isn’t, don’t be discouraged, keep trying new things until you find your jam.
2. Consider your schedule. Is it flexible or rigid? Do you have spare time at the start of the day that you can utilise? Is something that you don’t need (ahem, tv) taking up time you could use in the evening? Have a good look at what you need to do and what you want to do and work out where writing fits easily or could take priority over something that’s already there. Juggle some things around and see what works- remember to experiment, it may not fall into place straight away.
3. Ok, now that you have your schedule all sorted, throw it away. NOT LITERALLY! You need that! Go pick it up. *Sigh* What I mean is that you need to be flexible. Kids are demanding. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they have a knack for demanding your attention just when you’re in the middle of the biggest math problem of your life- hello plot holes with multiple references that you need to find and fix the entire way through your book! Sometimes the schedule won’t work. That’s ok. Move your writing to another time or skip it that day. The important thing is to listen to your child/ren and be there for them when they really need you- those plot holes aren’t going anywhere… sadly.
4. Move around. If you like working at your desk but your body is too tired to sit up straight, hit the couch, get comfy and write away. If you usually like to slouch in your bed but if you do that right now you’ll fall asleep, try popping your laptop on the kitchen counter- viola, instant standing desk!
5. Ask for help. I know, I know. We all suck at asking for help. But it doesn’t have to be, “Can you please help me with this?” Try giving dad the baby and the bottle while you do some work. Send the kids to babysitting, ahem, a playdate so you can focus. Join a writing group and treat it like a sport with training sessions you have to attend- sorry, someone else has to watch the kids, I’m busy.
6. Stop trying to simplify what is complicated. Parenting and writing at the same time is hard. Embrace the crazy in your own way and make it work for you. Separate or combine tasks based on what works. Give yourself time- practice and persistence will pay off eventually. It won’t be easy overnight. Sometimes you’ll get lots done, sometimes nothing- and that’s ok.
7. Most importantly, it’s ok to put writing second- or third, or whatever. As long as you’re making writing a priority in some way, don’t beat yourself up if something else has to take that first spot on your list. Kids are important. Paying bills is important. Family time is importing. Eating, sleeping and showering are all important.
Think about the saying, “You can’t take care of your kids if you can’t take care of you.” Now apply that to your writing. If you can’t take care of your top priorities, you won’t be happy with your writing in the end. Be kind to yourself in the moments that you had to put important things before writing- even though writing is important too- and get back to your keyboard when you can.
That’s all from me today. I am off to go and play with my son. I’ll be working on my writing after dinner tonight. Until next time, enjoy your family, then write.
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